Destiny = compulsive repetition
A person’s actual interpersonal relationship is the result of the projection of his inner object relationship expansion.
Our attitudes, opinions, emotions, and behaviors towards a person are partly “churched” by that person.
As he grew up, everyone developed a set of measures to protect himself.
These measures can be mature and powerful, or they can be said to be immature and fragile.
This is the three sentences summed up by Zeng Qifeng, the founder of Wuhan Zhongde Hospital and a well-known domestic psychoanalyst.
Psychoanalysis is a school of psychotherapy founded by Freud. For the average person, it is both profound and obscure.
Don’t fall twice in the same place!
This sentence is one of the most common warnings we hear.
But the reason I hear it most often is precisely because this is the hardest thing to do.
In fact, most of us in our lives are constantly repeating the same thing.
If you get happiness, you repeat happiness.
If you learn to trust, you repeat trust.
Instead, if you get pain, you copy the pain.
If you learn hostility, you repeat it.
Many psychologists believe that such compulsive repetition is what is called fate.
The unfortunate people, most of the time, are constantly repeating the same mistakes and falling down in the same place, but there is no sin in this place. It is ourselves that makes us fall.
Maybe, for example, when you look at others, you may easily find out, hey, that guy, after a fall in a turnip pit, cried for a while and walked away, but then turned around and walked into that turnip pit, Fell down again, and then wept loudly, rejecting the unfairness of fate.
This is ridiculous!
This guy is really wondering!
You may sigh like this.
However, if you look at yourself seriously, you will reluctantly find that you yourself have at least two pits, and you keep falling down there.
Love: The duo duo dudes a talented woman. In normal situations, she can say nothing wrong and do nothing wrong. She can always choose the most appropriate words at the most appropriate time, andWon the attention and respect of people.
However, every second, she creates a big trouble, and then puts great effort to resolve this trouble.
All these troubles are related to men.
She once had a marriage. At that time, it took her only one week to complete the whole process from acquaintance, love and marriage with a man.
It was a big trouble, and she spent three years later dissolving the marriage.
She has also talked about a hopeless love and has made great efforts for this love, such as giving up the easy opportunity to go abroad.
But in the eyes of others, this love can be polished from the beginning without hope.
But she has to work hard: find a man who is not suitable, then love each other and torture each other for years, and finally break up.
This is a typical compulsive repetition. She has extraordinary talent and charm, and should be able to easily win a happy life, but she just can’t do it, and fell over and over again in the pit he created.
A girl named Lisa wrote to me and said sadly that her boyfriend A Qiang abused her all day and made her think of death again and again.
I wrote back that I was willing to provide her with psychological assistance and to seek other social support for her.
But her second letter asked me: “How can I change him.
“It was this desire that ruined her and got her involved in a whirlpool of abuse.
A Qiang’s childhood was very tragic. When his father died at a very young age, he followed his remarried mother, while several siblings were given to other relatives.He was also bullied by guards at his stepfather’s house.
As a result, he has been strengthening himself to protect himself, and has learned to fight cruelly. He even expresses love in an abusive way.
When he was young, in order to keep a relative together, he went up and bit his relatives severely.
After growing up, he suffered a series of misery, and his girlfriend who had talked for several years suffered an unexpected death . At this time, Lisa met A Qiang, was deeply moved by his unfortunate encounter, and fell in love with him.And live with him.
However, she could not bear the violence of A Qiang, so she thought of breaking up, but was guessed by A Qiang before she broke up, and she began to treat her more cruelly.
This is a duo of two people’s forced repetition.
A Qiang’s childhood was too bitter, so he learned to protect himself with violence many times, and also learned to express love with violence.
In later life, he repeated this kind of thing again and again. When Lisa meant to break up, he did not learn to notice the intentions of others, or to be gentler, or to continue to use violence to protect his injured one.heart.
But if he didn’t torture Lisa, how could Lisa think about leaving him?
It can be said that Lisa’s alienation from him was also taught by Aqiang himself.
Lisa didn’t talk about her own childhood experience, but I suspect that her childhood experience is also quite miserable, and it is likely that her father also had a deep tendency to violence.
In childhood, we were all strongly narcissistic. We would think that if my father didn’t love us, I could do something to change him and let him love himself.
However, this desire is doomed to fail, because those violent fathers rarely change themselves because of what their daughters do or do not do, and he will repeat his violence as usual.
At this time, the little girl ‘s desire to “change”
will be suppressed. When she grows up, she will again encounter a man who also has a tendency to violence. This “change” desire will be quickly inspired and she will “love””Get on this close man.
But deep down, she actually wanted to change this man who was accustomed to violence, and gradually proved that the narcissism of her childhood was correct.
This desire, even in adulthood, is still doomed to be frustrated, because those men who have severe violence will not change themselves for any woman if they are not eager to change, and those women who choose them are destined to be injured, Both physically and mentally.
It is not difficult for us to see news that the desire to transform made them choose a violent man: a female star left a couple who beat her all day, but then found a man who likes violence.
The logic in their hearts is the same as Lisa’s.
A Chongqing media report said that a 20-year-old girl married a 28-year-old prisoner. The man was guilty of extortion and had once married.
Before marriage, she wrote three letters to her boyfriend every week to urge him to accept the transformation, and fell in love with him in correspondence, and finally chased after he wanted to marry him.
Although there are not enough details, I can imagine that this girl is only afraid of hiding the desire to “reform bad men” in her heart.
This desire made her not interested in ordinary, kind and good men who didn’t need to be transformed. Only this kind of problem men would meet her compulsive repetitive needs.
However, extortion is not the same as violent tendencies.
If it is only for economic reasons, rather than extortion and extortion because of preferences, then the 28-year-old prisoner is far more likely to be successfully transformed than Aqiang mentioned earlier.
If that’s the case, I wish this girl a blessing and hope that she can change her “fate” through this successful experience of “reforming bad men”.
Men and women establish close relationships, and those who are used to being happy will create love in this relationship, while those who are used to the unfortunate will create hate in this relationship.
A Zhong, who works on the TV station, is brilliant and handsome, and his girlfriend changed one after another, but he made it clear that women are simply unreliable, delicious and lazy, and ruthless, just want to rely on men.
Most of the girlfriends he looked for did indeed fit his description.
But with so many good girls in the world, why didn’t he choose?
In fact, he was looking for such a girlfriend just to verify his assertion that “woman is not good”.
He did so also for compulsory repetition.
He lost his father at an early age, and his mother kept changing his lover and left him alone, and he buried a strong hatred for his mother.
When his mother died in a car accident when he was 18 years old, he started his career as a playboy, but he only found such a girl just to continue to express his hatred for his mother.
The mother is unreliable, so he has to repeatedly find unreliable women to confirm that his attack on the mother is indeed valid.
He has met good girls and loved her deeply.
However, he is too picky, and will show relentless attack whenever he discovers any shortcomings of the girl.
In the end, the girl left him, which made him very desperate, and made him lament: “It turns out that such a good girl can’t be trusted!
“But this” unreliable “ending was made by him.
He did not learn to master happiness, he only learned to repeat disasters.
Reason: We are afraid of losing foresight. Compulsive repetition is ubiquitous. It is as if we are only used to the life we have. If the present life becomes different from the past, we must do something to make the presentSame as before. Smart, pretty Posey works at a large company.
At first, her colleagues and supervisors liked her, which made her very happy, because she thought that her biggest problem was not knowing how to deal with others.
In fact, the reason why she fled from the previous company to the new company is because she feels that her relationship with her colleagues and superiors in the previous company has been messed up, and she is severely isolated.
However, just after staying at the new company for a week, Posey suddenly found that her mood was very low one night. She reflected on her life this week. She felt that she had done wrong in many places and thought that she must have offended her bossThere are several colleagues around.
On Monday of the second week, she came to the company with an uneasy mood, and found that everyone really ignored her (actually, everyone was too busy).
So she lamented: “It seems to be true, I messed up the relationship again.
“This day, she did a few things wrong, such as deleting the wrong file in the computer, knocking over the water on a colleague’s desk, and suddenly remembering her name when she said hello to her supervisor.
As a result, when she was off work, she felt that her relationship with her colleagues was incurable.
The essence of Percy is also a typical forced repetition.
Like most people who are accustomed to misfortunes, when things really get better, she feels uneasy and feels like something is wrong.
This anxiety is her sense of control.
Living in an unfortunate environment for a long time, we will develop a special ability to foresee. In addition, we can foresee when we will be bullied and tortured by other people. This ability to foresee will properly protect us from anonymity.Terrible torture.
However, in the new environment, our ability to foresee is lost, and we feel like everything is messy. “How do people treat me differently than I imagine?
“At this time, we will do some inexplicable things under the unconscious guidance, and then we will mess things up, add a little hostility to those who are friendly to ourselves, and make them more impatient with those who care about themselves.
When they were first, we felt very sad. “Why are they finally bad for me?
“But, deep down, we will be quiet, knowing that everything is in our own vision again.
It is not easy to change any good forced repetition or bad forced repetition.
Therefore, you will see that some people who believe that they will win the love and support of others, even if they are rejected 100 times, will still interact with you casually.
On the contrary, the other person, you were good to him 99 times, but only once there was a negligence, not good enough to him, was caught by him, and you think you do not love him, do not support his evidence.
The best way to establish good compulsive repetition is to give your child love and support during his childhood, while respecting his independence and giving him enough trust.
Then, the child will learn love, trust, independence and self-reliance, and repeat these good things over and over again in his life.